After having lived in Australia for 16 years, this journey was sparked in me with a call for me to move back to Thailand with my young family. I felt like Australia has done its purpose for me. I felt there was nothing I needed nor wanted from her anymore at that time. Of course, there were many questions and trying to find many reasons for the move, but never knew the answer until many years after we decided to settle in Chiang Mai with close relatives.
Since I was young, I always felt that I was born for a bigger purpose in life. At that time, I still wasn’t sure what it was. I could only dream about my life purpose. Maybe it was only an illusion! The life I had in the corporate world and my unhappy household didn’t serve the calling that I have always felt. It didn't matter how successful I might have been in my work, family and social life. Nothing seemed to fulfil me. So the search began. I turned down jobs and overruled my family to pursue what we call spirituality!
During my search, I found out that my grandfather is one of the ancient traditional healers and shamans up in the north of Thailand. Spirituality has always been in my veins, but it was not awakened or fully recognised until I was around 35 years of age when my grandfather was unwell and no longer able to help others. I was guided in his direction and started to have an interest in what he was doing and how he was helping others. At that point, I accepted him as one of my teachers. He documented his path of 40 years, but they are all in a language that I could not read. I tried to visit him as much as I could and learned by listening to his stories. I soon inherited his calling and assumed I could do what he did (Yes, that was my ego mind talking out loud) because I wanted to be recognised and I wasn’t happy with what I was doing. So it was like detaching myself from one thing to another hoping to find that purpose in life.
During those first few year, I met many great guides, teachers and friends who helped me along my path. I was still a searcher with endless questions and with the attitude of what I wanted to be! I was going crazy inside. I was expecting to be given answers from my teachers, friends and even from the things that we cannot see, hear, or touch. I have had many opportunities to learn ancient healing techniques such as Reiki, crystals and traditional Asian healing methodologies.
During this time I questioned my life again and again, searching for the reason and the purpose of my life and the world. In that same time I was a good student to all my teachers. I followed and tried everything they were sharing with me. I raised my spiritual practise in a very short time but yet there wasn't peace within myself. There was still suffering and crying within, hiding my emotions and bursting out in tears of anger when I was alone. I felt as if there was no one to turn to. I struggled to find my ground.
I made a decision to retreat myself from the city into a forest in the north of Chiang Mai (Thailand). I detached myself from family, friends and all my social connections. I set myself and my daughter in a beautiful house beside a flowing river bank. The house was called a haunted house by locals so no one would come to the house after dark. I was alone in this haunted house for many months. This is the most alone I’ve ever felt and the most I’ve ever cried to myself, to all the spirits in the house. Despite my roller coaster of emotions, I never gave up on my spiritual practice. Over time I became more settled in my mind and I eventually built myself up for the surrender! I started to trust myself and followed my inner self without question.
I realized that my journey didn’t start when I started searching for answers. It started way before I remembered. I was woken up after 35 years and I started to remember who I am little by little. It was a very fast transition in my life. I looked back at things I have experienced. To name a few - it started with the family I was born into, all the foods I learned to eat, places where I grew up, people I met, and all the struggles I had overcame. By continuing my practice of meditation and connecting to my inner self, day by day all the memories of who or what I am revealed themselves to me.
Leading a conscious, healthy lifestyle is important to me. I never underestimate the impact that the psyche can have on a person's physical well-being. If we're going to get through this life in one piece, we need to take care of ourselves beyond the typical nutrition and exercise. I found the Light of internal peace and clarity.
I believe that we can always bounce back from what knocks us down and come back and be stronger than before. We are capable of reprogramming our mind in the ways we see, feel, listen and get to our inner truth.
I have learned to live harmonically between our physical nature and in the myths of the unseen world with my love, light and kindness.
God said, “earth is like a playground, so enjoy playing while you are at it”!