Naiyana Gold

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After having resided in Australia for 16 transformative years, a stirring within my being compelled me to return to my homeland of Thailand, alongside my young family. It was as if Australia had served its purpose, and I no longer sought anything from her embrace. Many questions lingered, and I searched for reasons to justify our move. It wasn't until years later, as we settled in Chiang Mai, surrounded by close relatives, that the answers gradually unfolded.

From a young age, I had sensed that I was destined for a grander purpose in life, though I couldn't quite grasp its nature. It remained a distant dream, an elusive illusion. The corporate world I inhabited and the unhappiness that permeated my household failed to align with the calling I felt within. No matter the success I achieved in my work, family life, or social interactions, a deep sense of fulfillment eluded me. Thus, my quest began. I turned down job opportunities, disregarded the opinions of my family, and embarked on a journey we might call spiritual.

During my quest, I discovered a remarkable truth: my grandfather was an ancient traditional healer and shaman hailing from the northern reaches of Thailand. Spirituality coursed through my veins, dormant and unrecognized until my early thirties, when my grandfather's health declined, rendering him unable to assist others. As if guided by an unseen force, I became intrigued by his work, his way of helping those in need. In that moment, I acknowledged him as one of my teachers. Although his 40-year path was documented, the writings were in a language I could not decipher. I seized every opportunity to visit him, absorbing his wisdom through his stories. Slowly but surely, I inherited his calling, convinced that I, too, could follow in his footsteps. Yet, if I'm honest, my motivations were tinged with ego, a desire for recognition, stemming from dissatisfaction with my current path. It was a tumultuous period of detaching from one thing to another, all in the pursuit of discovering my purpose in life.

During those initial years, I crossed paths with numerous guides, teachers, and friends who illuminated my way. Still, I remained a seeker, burdened with ceaseless questioning and a longing to become something more. The tumult within me escalated. I yearned for answers, expecting them to be bestowed upon me by my mentors, friends, or even the unseen forces that surrounded us. I delved into learning ancient healing techniques such as Reiki, crystals, and traditional Asian methodologies, hoping to find solace.

Yet, amidst this search, I continually questioned the essence of my existence and the world at large. Simultaneously, I remained a devoted student to my teachers, diligently following their guidance and experimenting with their teachings. I escalated my spiritual practice at an accelerated pace. However, peace remained elusive. Within the depths of my being, I still grappled with suffering, concealed my emotions, and found solace in solitary tears of anger. It felt as though I had nowhere to turn, struggling to find solid ground beneath my feet.

In a moment of clarity, I resolved to retreat from the bustling city, seeking solace within the serene embrace of a forest in northern Chiang Mai, Thailand. Detaching myself from family, friends, and all social connections, I settled with my daughter in a house nestled beside a gently flowing river. The locals deemed it a haunted house, ensuring no one ventured near after nightfall. Thus, I found myself alone in this eerie abode for many months—an experience that magnified my sense of solitude and elicited countless tears. Despite the emotional roller coaster, I never abandoned my spiritual practices. Over time, my mind gradually settled, preparing the groundwork for surrender. I began to trust myself, unconditionally following the guidance of my inner self.

Through this transformative process, I realized that my journey did not commence when I embarked on the search for answers. It had long been underway, quietly unfolding within the recesses of my subconscious. Awakening only in my mid-thirties, I gradually pieced together fragments of my identity. The transition occurred swiftly, and as I reflected upon my past experiences, a newfound understanding emerged. It began with the family into which I was born, the culinary delights I learned to savor, the places that shaped my upbringing, the individuals I encountered, and the myriad of challenges I overcame. By deepening my meditation practice and forging a connection with my inner self, day by day, the memories of who I truly am unveiled themselves to me, like a tapestry woven across time.

In this journey of remembrance and self-discovery, I have come to realize that life's purpose is not confined to a single moment but is intricately woven into the fabric of our existence. It is a testament to the interplay of experiences, relationships, and our own growth. With each step forward, I am humbled by the realization that my purpose has been guiding me since long before I consciously embarked on this path of seeking.

As I continue on my journey, embracing the wisdom of the ancients and forging new connections along the way, I hold gratitude in my heart for the profound lessons learned and the ever-evolving understanding of my true purpose.